Friday, July 22, 2011

your next big step

when i was growing up i loooooved the indiana jones movies. there were many memorable scenes (mmmmmmmmm...monkey brains) but one of my favorites by FAR was when indy approached a massive cavern and his challenge was to reach the other side. it was obviously humanly impossible for him to do it in his own power and it seemed hopeless that he would get to where he was going. i can relate.

i realize i've been neglectful in blogging lately. several reasons for this, the greatest of which would be that i have had too much going on in my brain and in my heart to even attempt to put it into words. i KNEW that when i started this that i would go through periods of inactivity, unmotivation, procrastination, insecurity, which would inhibit my posting from time to time. i also struggle with determining what may be too private to share with the blogging world. my hubby is an extremely private person - he's not a big fan of blogging - not for any reason other than he feels it exposes too much at times and leaves me vulnerable... he likes to protect me (from myself, mostly. lol) so sometimes (lately, for sure) i have hesitated in my posts - i want to be completely authentic but have felt lately that i wasn't at a point where i could be totally real without risking privacy and shirking submissiveness to my spouse altogether. which is why things have been quiet on the blog front lately. thanks for hanging in there with me. i love that about you. :)

i've been learning lately about how dependent i have been MY WHOLE LIFE on the opinions of others. i make decisions based on what others would think or how THEY would feel. whether it's choosing a parking spot, a line in the grocery store, where to sit in church, when or where i'm going to workout, what i'm going to wear on any given day, etc. it's ridiculous. i'm a people pleasure to the highest degree and while that isn't completely terrible in and of itself, it gets exhausting. i tend to overcommit myself, initially saying yes to everything and everyone, and find myself backing out due to double booking, overcommitment, anxiety, etc. i hate that i do this. hate hate hate it.

we've been praying about something in our house for the past few months. (i'll fill you in on specifics in a bit...) i KNOW that God has placed this in my heart (it is something that i've always said i would NEVER do - love that.), He's given me a vision and a desire to do it, girls are onboard, hubby is fully supportive but there was one thing, primarily, that was holding me back. WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE WOULD THINK. how sad is that?

before i go on, that "thing" is that i am going to be homeschooling our girls this next year. and quite possibly the year after that, assuming they don't completely regress in their learning and become blubbering idiots in the next 9 months or so. :) there are NUMEROUS reasons as to why we've chosen this route, the greatest of which is the pure and simple fact that i love my kids, i'm blessed to be able to be home with them, and i am way geeked out over the superfun curriculum we'll be working on this year. :) so now that i've ripped that bandaid clean, let's continue on with the story.

i decided a few days ago that i would send a message to a few people explaining this decision and why we were doing what we were doing. not that they NEEDED to know but i was nervous that they wouldn't approve and wanted to let them know it was not due to our dissatisfaction with the schools, etc. so i start pulling up names on facebook and discover a couple are missing. i did some investigating and came to find out that they had deleted me a few months ago after i had made some political comments with which they didn't agree. (who me?? NOOOOOO...) so here i am, so concerned with others' opinions, the greatest deterrent to me fully committing to a HUGE family decision, discovering that they had taken me off their friends list MONTHS ago. (doesn't that just reek with irony??) i'm not gonna lie - i was hurt (it still stings a little) but i have to respect their decision and their opinion of me just as i would like for others to extend the same kindness to me. i CAN be a bit mouthy at times and i am MOST DEFINITELY resolved in my beliefs so i understand if it's more than people can handle :) my intention is NEVER to offend, never ever.

ok, so i tell that story because God has used that in a HUGE way in my life this week. i've GOT to fix my eyes on HIM and not the huge cloud of witnesses. i MUST throw off everything that hinders me from running this race with perseverance.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." hebrew 12:1-3

there is only ONE opinion that matters. there is only ONE to whom i am ultimately accountable.

so if you think about it, pray for our family as we begin this exciting new chapter in our lives - i welcome any questions and/or comments, especially encouraging ones like "you're awesome" and "i love you" :) i am nervous and excited and freaked out and peacefilled all at one time. and yet CONFIDENT that God has called me to do something crazy scary and nonsensical. *eek*

so back to indiana jones... remember how that scene ended? indy remembers the words of his father and takes a HUGE step of faith, literally sight unseen, onto a giant invisible rock bridge which carries him to the other side. i LOVE that. (ginormous spiritual metaphor, anyone?)

so here we go... let's do those hard things. listen to that still, small nudging in your heart. pray for boldness, fix your eyes on HIM and TAKE THAT STEP.

love you girls