Wednesday, April 6, 2011

my story, part 6 (i think.)

today we're going to talk about the voices in my head. :)

one of my greatest challenges as a follower of Jesus has been my own self-condemning thoughts. i am my own greatest enemy at times. it has taken me a long time to be able to distinguish the voice of reason from the voice of criticism. of course i still struggle but my ability to discern has become fine tuned, refined over the past 10 years. but not without much trial and error.

for me, that was the worst thing about being alone as a new mom. sure i was busy with the baby and shuffling through the mundane every day tasks but at night, when all was still and settled, it was just me and my thoughts. now, i don't know if it's a personality thing, a hormone thing, a chemical imbalance thing but my brain, if i allow it (this is key and we will revisit this in a later post), will run until it starts to smoke and springs start popping out everywhere. :) and inevitably, if i let those unsavory thoughts run rampant for a while, i actually start to believe them. i was convinced that God had made a terrible, awful mistake in giving me a child - it was obviously a massive oversight on His part. and then, in the wake of these ugly thoughts, my mind would start wandering down the road of serious doubt and questioning everything i believed and thought to be true. was i even really saved? how could someone who really loves God even HAVE these thoughts?

over the years i have been completely fascinated with the story of David. more has been written in scripture about this man than Abraham, Joseph and Jacob. in fact, God specifically calls Him "a man after His own heart" (1 samuel 13:13-14) wow. sounds like a pretty impressive dude, huh? for God to have sought him out while looking for a replacement for Saul and, out of ALL the people in Israel (or the world for that matter), he said "yep. this is my guy." he HAS to be perfect, right? i mean, seriously, a man after God's own heart would HAVE to be, wouldn't he? well, let's have a look-see... tomorrow :) we will start to examine David's life and get into the Psalms that show that maybe David wrestled with his thoughts as well. (so it's NOT just me?? sweet!) if you want to get a head start, check out 1 samuel 16 all the way through 2 samuel into his death in 1 kings 2. (oops, total spoiler. he dies at the end. lol)

busy night at church tonight - hubby's working late, my girls invited friends to come with them to church, choir practice preparing for Easter, we leave in 40 mins and i need to scrape something respectable together for dinner :) i'm excited to get into the life of David tomorrow - it is beyond mind-boggling and gives me such hope and encouragement to know that the only man God ever referred to in scripture as being "a man after His own heart" had some MAJOR issues. maybe there's hope for me yet. lol :)

"therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken,
le us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe,
for our 'God is a consuming fire.'"

hebrews 12:28-29

love y'all - see you tomorrow :)


1 comment:

  1. Oh, how I have also had some UGLY thoughts! Looking forward to learning from David's messed up self too! :)