ok, for those of you who know me, or have attempted to carry on a simple conversation with me, you will find it not at all surprising that i have started writing this post about 14 times in the past hour and have gotten distracted every dadgum time. i PROMISE you i have adult a.d.d. (in fact, dr. phil diagnosed me a few years ago - he is not aware that he did but he did. lol) and i live my life wandering a series of rabbit trails... some call it mommy brain, but i'm convinced that pregnancy converts brain cells to fat cells, never again to return to their original state. :) so bear with me, dear friends. who knows where we're going to end up. :)
to say that my first pregnancy was a surprise could qualify as the understatement of 1999. you know when you're filling out the cute little baby books and they ask you to write down your first response to being pregnant? let's just say it had to be censored. ok, i didn't actually write it in there, that would be tacky, but there were a few choice words that popped into that little conversation bubble hanging over my head. :) let me give you a brief history of the few months or so preceding this exciting time in our lives... david and i met, married and wed within 9 months - in may of 1997. we were both 22 years old. he was still finishing up school at texas A&M (whoop!) and i had gotten a job waiting tables at a most wonderful little cafe. we were poor as dirt but happy as clams. fast forward a couple years and we are both working full-time at the University (texas A&M - stay with me here... lol) and my darling husband feels led to pursue his passion for adventure and love for country and apply for officer's candidate school with the marine corps in quantico, virginia. i wholeheartedly supported him, even though it would mean moving cross-country and being a military wife. i was actually really excited about the prospect. so david went through the application process and, not surprisingly at all, was accepted to OCS. we were thrilled. a couple days later i had been feeling a little funny and thought, just to rule it out, i would take a pregnancy test. just to rule it out. sure. and guess what?? that sucker was positive. :) (cue the tacky bubble words...)
as my trembling hand turned the locked bathroom doorknob i attempted to piece together a coherent sentence. FAIL. i just started crying and waving the little plastic wand around in front of me. my aforementioned darling husband approached me and gave me a comforting hug and offered to not go to candidates school. but i knew, even in that terrifying, life-altering moment, that God had a plan for us and myrole, as a helpmate and support for my husband, would be to carry on no matter where we were, whether in texas or virginia or wherever else the Lord would lead us. that heart-felt decision has served me well over the past 14 years, though not without struggle or serious pouting at times. :) (submission ain't easy, girls. but it's NECESSARY.)
so early one dark september morning, bloated belly and husband in tow, we drove to the airport to send david off for a 12 week training course. i would not be able to even speak with him for over 3 weeks, such was the intensity of the course. i was nervous, anxious, so sad, yet confident and incredibly proud of him for following his heart and his God into the unknown. we said goodbye well before daybreak and i drove away in silence. but not without stopping by shipley's donuts first for a few hot, fresh glazed donuts to assuage the pain. (you texas girls know what i'm talking about! more on food addiction in future posts - definitely a stronghold in my life at one time, rearing it's ugly head when i was feeling alone...) i sat on my couch, sniffling and snotting, munching and moping, feeling really crummy and FAT and i wish i could tell you i had this major epiphany and felt wrapped in God's love and all that but i didn't. all i felt was alone and really, really sad. but this has been one of the greatest lessons i have learned in the past 11 years. that my emotions do not dictate, nor do they determine, God's love and affection for me. His love transcends my moodiness, my fickleness, my stupid choices. (and boy, can they be DUMB.) He does not change like shifting shadows (james 1:17) He created my inmost being and ordained every day of my life before one of them came to be (psalm 139) He saw me, sitting there in silence on my couch, wallowing in my sadness and the warm, sweet glaze of a comforting "friend", and He loved me still. He didn't huff away in disgust as i whined. He didn't roll His eyes in frustration as i whimpered away. He just stayed. remained steadfast. and flat out loved me silly.
"if I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light will become night around me,'
even the darkness will not be dark to You;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to You." Psalm 139:11-12
see? this is why this was labeled "part 1" :) we're only about 8 weeks into my pregnancy and i've already gotta stop to go help with homework. lol by the way, am i the only one who is challenged by 5th grade math?? sheesh. come back tomorrow for the next installment - one that includes my husband's career-shifting injury, both of us jobless, with a baby on the way. good times, my friends, good times... :) i love y'all - if you are reading this, you are wholeheartedly appreciated and prayed for today.