i really can't remember when the fog started creeping in. i mean, i remember being tired, sure. i remember thinking "man, this is tough." but i can't pinpoint the exact moment when i shifted from uncomfortable exhaustion to full-blown anxiety. it was always worse in the evening. sitting on my couch, the sky a dusky orange signaling the end of the day, trembling with anxiety and a heavy responsibility for that little life in the next room. my body aching for sleep but knowing full well it would not be coming tonight. or the next night. or the next...
looking back now, i truly believe the chaos that soon followed my daughter's birth was a blessing for me. i tend to be a wallower - oh, trust me. there WILL be wallowing in the weeks to come. i just hardly had a moments rest to focus on wallowing at the time...
it was probably about 10 days after our daughter was born - remember, we were going through an application process for a big career leap - we had gone through the in-home interview and it seemed to go well. i will never forget sitting at my teeny tiny kitchen table (ok, 3 days after childbirth i was leaning as opposed to a full-fledged sit. ouch.) grinning and nodding at two intimidating looking men in dark suits describing the duties of my hubby were he to be gainfully employed by aforementioned government agency. :) over the past 10+ years i have referred back to said conversation MANY times. reminding myself i actually agreed to all this nonsense. :) a few days had passed and hubby received the call we had been anticipating - he got the job. so this was around april 20th or so - the voice on the phone asked if he could start may 8th. could we find an apartment, move our little family, and start a brand new career in 2 weeks? SURE! thank God for supportive, loving family and friends who helped us through those next couple weeks because, as i wrote in makenna's baby book, God kinda put me on autopilot. :) not much time to process exactly what was going on, we just had to DO IT. isn't that how we SHOULD live though? we spend WAY too much time processing. at least i do. :) i should add that one of the stipulations of his new position was an intensive training process. he would be leaving may 30th for 6 months. i tried not to focus on that. tried NOT to count down the days and nights until then. tried NOT to worry about what life as a single mom might be like. well, i tried.
we found a sweet little apartment in a suburb of houston and hubby dove in at the office. i busied myself with setting up our new little nest and caring for my baby chick. she was about 5 weeks old now - dare i say we had stumbled upon a routine? i had made my first big time parenting decision and decided she slept better on her tummy - that was HUGE for me. i wasn't really enjoying breastfeeding (ok, i HATED it) but figured i better keep on keeping on cause what would people THINK?? and then, before i knew it, the month of may was drawing to a close and life, once again, was going to take another turn into some really murky waters.
one of my favorite scripture passages is in isaiah 43...
"fear not, for i have redeemed you;
i have summoned you by name; you are mine.
when you pass through the waters,
i will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
when you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
for i am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your savior.
since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because i love you,
i will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life.
do not be afraid, for i am with you" isaiah 43:1b-5a
i love how it says WHEN, not IF you pass through the waters. WHEN you pass through the rivers, WHEN you walk through the fire... being a follower of Christ does not guarantee us a pain-free existence. but it does mean He is WITH US ("emmanuel" - GOD with us) we are precious, honored and LOVED and there is NOTHING that we will go through in this life where He is not right beside us, holding us, leading us, surrounding us. nothing too petty, nothing too great, NOTHING. bring it ALL to Him, lay it at His feet, TRUST HIM with it.
have a fabulous day, sweet mommy friends. as you go about the tedium of every day life remember you are loved, protected, and cared for today by the great God of the universe. i love that. :)