my story, part 2

ok, soooo we left off with me sitting on the couch with a warm box of donuts. nice. the few weeks that followed were tough - hubby wasn't allowed to call me at all and this was waaaayyyy before texting and facebook. (how ever did we communicate back then?? smoke signal? carrier pigeon?)

i busied myself with work and friends and was really getting excited about the prospect of moving to quantico in a matter of weeks. i had joined a couple military wives' message boards and started mapping out the driving route we would take to get there. i had given notice at work that we would be leaving late november so they set out to find a replacement for me. and that's when things started to get kinda nutty... :)

have you ever felt so strongly that God was calling you to move in a certain direction? doors have opened, challenges seem completely surmountable, peace in the heart, the whole deal? that was how we felt above this move - that God was allowing my hubby the opportunity to follow a dream, that, despite a surprise pregnancy, God would provide beyond our human expectations. and then came the phone call that tore a hole clean through my tidy, little bundle of dreams... i was at my parents' house and my hubby's dad called me. if you know poppy, you know he doesn't call to chitty chat a whole lot (and the proverbial acorn has not fallen far from the tree. lol) honestly, i can't even remember how the conversation started - small talk or what not - but i do remember the one sentence that conjured up all kinds of emotion... "david's coming home tonight." wait... WHAT?? tonight?? he explained how he had dislocated his shoulder during training and, due to the nature of the injury, they were going to release him from the program immediately. he needed surgery and would be able to go back and try again in a year. A YEAR?? was he okay? what were we gonna do? what about the baby?? in one fell swoop we were back to square one. or like square -12. so, in an attempt to piece back together what little hope i had left i think, ok i'll call work and let them know i'm staying. at least one of us will be working. i will never forget the sadness in my office manager's voice when she revealed to me that they had JUST offered my position to another lady THAT VERY DAY and they could not retract the offer now. so there i sat, emotionally spent and quite hormonal, on the guest room bed at my parents' house and cried. and cried and cried. and then i cried some more. a few muffled "WHHYYYYYY?? WHHYYYYYY??"s into a tear-soaked pillow and i was at a complete loss. how could we have been SO SURE that this was God's plan for us? how could we have felt such confidence that this big faith step of ours would be blessed? what WAS that? WHO was that?? i didn't know it at the time but now, looking back on the unfinished tapestry, i can totally see how this has worked for the good (romans 8:28) but did it provide much comfort then? not really. did it feel like i was being punished? absolutely. being the people pleaser i am, i often associated God's favor with my performance. i equated blessings with His approval, trials with His disappointment in me. thankfully, that is not the case. His love for me is unchanging, unfailing. period.

"Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days." psalm 91:14

did these scriptures echo in my head as i lay there sobbing? i sure wish they had. but you know how sometimes you're just not ready to ingest the lesson yet? to take in the truth? not responsive to the well-meaning words of others offering comfort and support? that's how i was. i KNEW God had a plan for me and my life. i knew that in my heart of hearts but my flesh was suggesting we had just been left out to dry. to flail around a bit in the unknown. i was confused and afraid. and jobless. and pregnant. awesome.

so home he came. i will never forget picking my dear hubby up at the airport, with his freshly shorn head, about 20 lbs lighter, arm in a sling and tears in his eyes, walking towards me, defeated. we hugged (well, he tried at least) and held each other and cried there in the walkway, oblivious to fellow travelers. i had never seen my husband in such a state and it broke my heart. we took comfort in each other and in our sweet families and puttered through the next few days kinda glassy-eyed. hubby had his surgery to repair his shoulder and i made every effort to nurse him back to health, although i knew he was still cut fresh open on the inside. in the weeks that followed, we sought solace in the fact that God is good and held our future in His hands. i was blessed to be hired by a wonderful family friend, to whom i am forever indebted, in an awesome position on the texas A&M campus (whoop!) and hubby decided to go to grad school while being employed part-time in the admissions office at the university. we were plugging along, the pregnancy was going well, i was feeling great, and then hubby comes home one day and says "i really feel like God wants me to pursue a certain job. i'm just going to apply and we'll see how far i get." we thought it would be an interesting process and didn't tell anyone our plans. we just wanted to wait to see what would happen. well, guess what! things happened. :) more to come in part 3.

i want to leave you girls today with this... no matter what you're going through at this very moment, rest assured your Heavenly Father sees and hears and KNOWS. do not allow those stinky emotions to have full reign over your thought-life like i did for so so long. go to His Word, meditate on the TRUTH, let Him love on you a little bit.

"The LORD your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing." zephaniah 3:17

my word, i love that image. close your eyes now and bask in that delicious thought... not only will He NEVER leave you but He actually DELIGHTS in you, sweet friend, and is singing His song of salvation over you. i love you girls and am so honored to journey with you. praying for you and your sweet families today...

hugs,
jen