let's see... where to start. first of all, i warned you at the beginning that this was a blog about moms who have dealt with, or ARE dealing with, postpartum and/or ongoing depression (in addition to many other various and sundry things.) and it is my goal to be completely transparent (well, ok not COMPLETELY - that could get downright scary. lol) so, all that said, today has been a struggle. not a total loss but harder than some. a down-in-the-dumps sort of day, if you will. i can feel the beginnings of a nice-sized pity party just starting up in my brain. invitations are going out, the caterers have been called, streamers, balloons, the whole nine yards... ORRRRRR, i could opt for a smaller, more intimate affair and not have a big blowout of a pity party. maybe just me and the Lord and my keyboard and i'll call it a night. :)
so back to this morning, i am preparing to sit down and blog a little. my Bible open and ready, some ideas bopping around in my brain, and me with some time on my hands :) so what do i do first? i check facebook. here's my issue with facebook - i don't believe it's truly evil. i have been reunited with friends from years past that i would have NEVER been in communication with had it not been for facebook. i have been encouraged GREATLY by people in one way or another and it's caused some friendships to blossom that may not have otherwise. however, for me personally, it can also be a source of extreme insecurity if i'm not careful.
so i'm puttering around on facebook and i see a couple links posted by friends - their favorite christian author's blog, a friend's blog, another amazing Godly woman's blog and then that creepy little voice starts rattling in my head. (i can't stand that voice) "wow. these women are awesome. i mean, they're really REALLY good. there are SO MANY amazing writers, amazing women out there. what the heck am i doing just adding another blog to the mix? what's the point?" i was discouraged. i clicked on a link that led me to another link of another website and their amazing stories and i was overwhelmed by just how much wisdom and talent and really cool stuff was out there. again i hear "i mean seriously, what ARE you doing? God doesn't need you doing this - it's been covered. it's been addressed. just move on."
so i prayed that God would continue to reveal to me His perfect plan and will. that He would be gracious unto me and direct my paths in the way i should go. after all, i really only EVER want to be smack in the middle of His plan for me. and then i felt a still, small voice speaking directly to my heart, completely bypassing the chaos in my mind, "minister where I've put you." huh. you see, i'm the type of person who likes to dream big. i can fancy up all kinds of grandiose visions in my head of where things COULD go and what MIGHT happen and that's not all-together bad. but sometimes it distracts us (well, me, for sure) from the here-and-now. today's ministry. today's trials and triumphs. what does He want from me TODAY?
"but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of it's own."
Jesus' words in matthew 6:33-34
i spent a good portion of the day today feeling highly inadequate and wholly unqualified. in my bible study right now we are looking at moses and the relationship he had with God Almighty. it was very intimate and they talked to each other as friends. when God called moses to lead the israelites out of egypt he was a sheep farmer. a sheep farmer! a lowly, unassuming, regular old sheep farmer, working for his father-in-law. (he was NOT charlton heston by any stretch of the imagination. lol) we've all heard about the burning bush and God appearing before moses, telling him to take his sandals off, and moses hiding his face. but i just love moses' response to the God of the Universe saying "now, go. bring my people the israelites out of egypt." moses' response, much like mine, was "but who am i?" God responds "i will be with you" moses then brings up "well, suppose i go to them and they ask me what your name is?" (paraphrased of course) and God says "I AM WHO I AM" (kid you not, just got chills. it is a name that DEMANDS reverence. our YAHWEH. the great I AM.) you would THINK that would be enough for moses, but no... he God asks again "but what if they don't believe me or listen to me? what then?" it's enough to make me want to yell at my Bible "you're standing in front of a bush that is SPEAKING TO YOU. IT IS THE GOD OF ABRAHAM, ISAAC AND JACOB. TRUST HIM! JUST STINKIN DO WHAT HE SAYS!" :) and then, even as i dare to think the thoughts, God graciously reminds me that He is the same yesterday, today and forever, and maybe i should take my own advice. wow.
i am insecure. i am unqualified. i'm not even sure some days i know what i'm talking about. :) but i have a God who is more than able.
"trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
delight yourself in the LORD
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
commit your way to the LORD;
trust in Him and He will do this;
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him..."
psalm 37:3-7
in conclusion, i will trust His plan for me. i want to delight in Him (not His hand, not just His blessings, in HIM) and commit my way to the Lord. and then i need to BE STILL. man, that's tough. so often, i want to DO, i want results, i want to KNOW i'm making a difference! but He calls me to be still and wait patiently and, with His help, i will try. :) i may not have it all together and yes, there are SO MANY more women out there who are WAY more qualified to do what i'm doing but i want to stay faithful to what i believe He's called me to here and now, in my little corner of the planet. and i cannot tell you how thankful i am that you're along for the ride :)
you know what?? i didn't even get to the crummiest part of my day - being pulled over by a state trooper for not stopping completely at a stop sign! and now, i don't even care! pppptthhh! so THERE, stinky little voice in my head! i'm ignoring you now! :) (yes, my fingers are in my ears. lol)
love you girls - blessings on you and your precious families as you put them to bed, kiss their sweet faces and thank Him for the opportunity to care for the most amazing little humans you ever did see. have a wonderful week :)
hugs
jen
I quite trying to be "good" and "eloquent" on my blog long ago. Now, I simply do it to write and maybe, just maybe, there is one person out there who needs to be encouraged, needs to know they aren't alone.
ReplyDeleteComparison. It can be such a monster! I think it's so natural to feel the way you did today. Facebook really exposes so much added pressure, if we allow it. Just like that article you/me posted today about Facebook and depression among teens... adults too for that matter. Feeling inadequate, comparing ourselves to others - that's the bottom line. But, God has you (me) right where He wants you. He's had you experience the life lessons in our path for THIS very reason, minister to others. As small or as big as you feel, your encouragement touches hearts... no matter the number of your "followers" or fancy icons you have incorporated into your page. I'm speaking to myself here, I used to feel the same way. Who am I?! So many more women experience worse, better, more, less, they are better bloggers... writers, "Christians", moms, wives, ..... the list goes on. Like you said, it can be so therapeutic too. I've learned so much about myself... where I am... when blogging, if only for myself to read. Take heart, JEN! He speaks to you, you follow, He will be glorified and after all, isn't that all He wants? Good stuff here, Jen, thanks so much for reminding us how delicate life is! How precious and beautiful our life is, exactly where He has us.
ReplyDelete2 Corinthians 9:8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
Its nice to know that no mattet what we type or say or do ,we are perfect and precious in HIS SIGHT. Thank you Jen for being real.
ReplyDeleteJen, as I dive deeper into the world of writing, I'm finding that what you experienced today is absolutely 1000% normal...so, welcome to the world of writing! If God has called you to it, don't lose sight. He has a purpose, even when you feel like nobody's reading. They are, whether it be today, or months from now when that mom in distress is googling her issues and up pops your blog. :)
ReplyDeleteComparisonitis..not fun eh! Something most of us are plagued with at some point. Self-doubt, fear of not meeting expectations (whose expectations really?), fear of disappointing..and on and on....all arising from our OWN thoughts. Thoughts that arise in milliseconds but in some cases can cause a life long battle with self-destruction. Some level of fear/self doubt is normal/human, but when we let it muddy our thoughts and hearts, and ultimately negatively affect our behavior..bad news! I am loving your blog and it is touching me..so take that Jen! I too have struggled with that miserable voice that is self doubt. I am so thankful that I have been able to trust GOD and move past that voice of self doubt and the fears of inadequacy and mass humiliation that it brings to do what I was being called to do. There was some warfare involved ofcourse ;) I still battle it at times, but the war is quickly fought compared to the epic battles of the past. When that miserable voice arises, I try to ask myself, "Am I living for GOD, or am I worrying too much about "the world." It is a human battle Christians will face. Matthew 6:33-34 is constantly calling my name.
ReplyDeleteJen, I think you have hit the crux of what holds so many of us women back from sharing our life lessons and wisdom. We are all insecure beings and even those of us with grandiose dreams feel small. The truth is we are all God's children and your words "minister where you are" will ring in my ears forever.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing you have that none of those us great women have is the collective US. You may touch one woman that those other bloggers don't and that makes you important. I also know that many of the other blogs aren't as transparent as you are. You have a unique and glorious place in this world. He has ensured that.
I wish I could say I have a great solution for the depression and voices in our heads. The best solution I've ever found is exercise, but that just isn't always an option. I do think a great girlfriend, coffee, and a quick phone call can make a big difference. Thank you for your honesty. It does lift us up.
Here's the deal. No matter how old you are or how much you've experienced and learned and taken to heart about who God is and what he can do for you, the stinkin' devil will take every chance to condemn and accuse. The "Be still and know that I am GOD" has become my life verse in many many situations. He is ALWAYS able. And we win in the end!!!
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