i realize i've allowed the blog to kinda slip off my radar for a couple weeks. i should have made a disclaimer at the onset of this adventure that this was not gonna be one of those blogs that you follow every day :) but i have recently been motivated to persevere even through the uglies. that if this is going to be a truly authentic reflection of my life i would HAVE to continue on, even when i didn't feel like it.
i still wrestle with the idea of being completely transparent - SURELY you have no desire to be subjected to ALL the craziness rattling around in there :) my sweet friend, alisha, who has her own amazing, fantabulous blog at www.becomforted.com, inspired me to just get it out there (girl, i still don't know how to put a link in the body of my posts. someone help me here. lol. i put her "button" under my favorite blogs links to the right of this post.) and i have come to the realization that i'm not gonna do this blog just for YOU. it's for me, too. that, heaven forbid, i write something that ticks someone off or (shudder) causes them to "unfollow" my blog but if i am to continue on in this, i have to risk that. isn't that the heart of true relationship anyway?? putting it all out on the table and allowing the other to either take it all or walk away? you will either love me for who i am or you won't. my whole life i have tried to conform myself to fit the expectations of others - to be who i thought they would want me to be - and i'm flat out tired of it.
i'm going through a bit of a refining process right now - breaking my dependence on people and focusing on Jesus to be my primary source of encouragement and stability. i have weaned myself off of my antidepressants (as i have a couple times in the past when i felt God was leading me to do so) and my emotions feel sharper, heightened, deeper. i feel good. i will elaborate more on this process and my feelings towards antidepressants (which are positive, i might add) in a later post.
so for today, i'm going to leave you with this thought. BE REAL. be who you are. ask God to continue to shape you into the person HE wants you to be. to fulfill His purposes for your life, whether they "make sense" or not. i'm done with trying to "make sense" of things. :) sometimes they just don't. embrace it, go with it, lean into it. TRUST HIM.
love you more than you know...